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Critter goes through hero phases.  It’s normal.  I did too.  I remember going through a Wonder Woman phase, a Bionic Woman phase, and even a Laverne and Shirley phase.

Don’t try to make sense of it.

Critter went through the typical Superfriend’s phase, from Batman to Superman and my personal favorite, Flash.  Then he went through a Toy Story phase where he loved Woody.  Right now he is going through a Hiccup phase, from How To Train Your Dragon.

Critter doesn’t do anything halfway. (Well, except maybe his homework.)  Back when he was in his Toy Story phase, he dove into it with a vengeance.  He even made himself a Woody costume.  He took a white t-shirt and colored it to look like Woody’s with washable ink.  That’s a lot of ink, folks.  This is what Woody looks like:

And this is Critter’s rendition:

Get a feel for how long it took him to color the front AND back of this t-shirt with not one, not two, but three yellow markers.  And check out how perfect his red stripes were for a first grader…freehand!

He wore this thing all the time. But we didn’t plan well using washable markers…because now I couldn’t wash it.

And man did it need it.  I can’t tell you what that blob of crud is.  I can tell you, though, that two years later, it has finally stopped smelling weird.

I don’t want to ruin this shirt by washing it.  It’s not just a shirt, it’s not just a costume.   I want to save and cherish this little piece of Critter’s personality forever.  But fast is coming the day when he isn’t going to want that home-made Woody costume on his closet door.  I can promise you it will be ziploc’d, put in a rubbermaid box, and put with the rest of the little memories I can’t bear to part with.

I don’t know what hero is going to replace Woody on Critter’s closet door, but I can promise you one thing for sure….

…..it’ll be washable.

Varmint and I have had many a discussion on her clothes or the concept of wearing make-up.

Long ago she gave up trying to make me stylish, but she does like to take some effort to look nice herself.  There is nothing wrong with liking to look nice, it’s just that I like to hide behind the excuse that personality can make up for many a blemish.

And the opposite is true, too.  Make-Up can’t hide an ugly personality.

So how do you impart 44 years of that kind of wisdom into a girl on the precipice of teenage bulls**t angst?

Step 1.)  Teach her that beauty is made up of things like these:

• Encouraging others. 
• Sympathizing with others. 
• Being patient with others.
• Humoring others. 
• Forgiving others. 
• Loving others.

Step 2.) Point out to her that the one common theme in step one is the word “others“.  It ain’t about mascara, or hair extensions or fingernail polish or the right clothes.  The more you focus on lifting others up, the happier you are inside.  That shines through, and man is it powerfully attractive!

Step 3.) Do not get discouraged when she rolls her eyes at you and hurries your lecture along because she has other, more important things to do.  (And give her a time out for rolling her eyes at you, while you’re at it.)  Remember, you’re planting seeds.

Think I’m full of crap?  Ask yourself this:  How does a middle-aged, graying woman like me win someone like My Captain?  He thinks I’m beautiful.  He really does.

Think about it.

What is he attracted to?

It ain’t the make-up,  I guarantee.

And for those of you whose minds are in the gutter, it ain’t that either.

That’s what I want her to know.  It’s vital to impart it to her.

VARMINT, love,……it ain’t the make-up. 

It was during a homeschooling art session four or five years ago that Varmint had her first experience as a frustrated artist.

We were at a co-op class at our homeschool umbrella building, The Cedarbrook Academy, and Varmint was attempting to re-create a cave drawing in charcoal and natural media.

She nailed it.

Well, sort of.

Okay, maybe with creative license and squinty eyes.

She hated it because she got carried away with the appendages, and didn’t realize it until too late.

Me, I LOVED it because it was so goshdarn cute.  So of course I had to frame it and display it proudly on the kitchen wall, where it still sits to this day.

She cannot understand it.  But I intend to keep it long after she becomes famous and then I’ll donate it to the Smithsonian as one of her pre-famous works.  It will be so cool.

Just like she is.

I homeschooled my Varmint up through first grade.  We loved our time together.  We were able to get her paper/book schoolwork done in a short amount of time everyday, and we could then spend the rest of the day exploring the world. She thrived with experiential learning.

Like hiking Sugarloaf Mountain to work on her Nature Journal.

Or if the weather was bad, Starbucks, to work on her caffeine habit.  (no, wait, that was me.)

That was so long ago.

Now she’s 10 1/2 years old, and already such a young lady.  She really is the best of me and her dad.  I love who she is, and who she is becoming.  Wise well beyond her years.

Empathetic. Creative.  Fun.  Smart as a whip. Nurturing.  Loving.

And, for some reason, slightly smart-ass.  I don’t know where that came from.

Ah well, I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

She was sitting beside me tonight at Critter’s Basketball practice, and I was yelling at Critter to do this or that (like I have ANY idea how the game should be played, or like Coach Pat and Coach Doug need my help at all.  Not.) until Critter gave me a wicked ‘LEAVE ME ALONE MOM!’ look.  So I whipped out an “I yell because I care!” retort.

Next to me, Varmint, with the help of our friend Robin, came to the conclusion that the perfect response to that would have been, “I roll my eyes because I don’t.”

I quickly informed Varmint that the first time she said that to me she would be going to live with Robin (who liked the idea).

Without missing a beat, Varmint repeated it.

And I was forced to tickle the bejesus out of her in front of God and everybody right there on the basketball court sidelines.

Humiliation:  It’s a mother’s job.  (And prerogative.)

For the most part, My Captain is quiet.  Reserved. Practical. Unassuming.

He is definitely also tall, dark, and handsome.  Let’s just get right out there with that.  It’s nothing that you really need to know, but it’s something I like to muse over frequently.

And thank my lucky stars.

I’m still waiting for the day he realizes he married a completely bone-headed dork and tries desperately to find a loop-hole in our marriage license.  But until that time, I’ll enjoy the view, thank you very much.

Anyways….

It turns out that My Captain, though the strong silent type, is also a man of many hidden talents.  Once, My Captain, Varmint, Critter and I were sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of fresh cherries.  My Captain got a twinkle in his eyes and said to the kids, “Hey…betcha can’t do this.” He loves to play with them (read: taunt).

Then he popped a cherry in his mouth and proceeded to do the following: (Note: Since a picture tells a thousand words, we’ve re-enacted this with photos for your enjoyment.)

Voila:  A Cherry.  Bing.  Non-organic.  Slightly over-ripe.

I got this.  No sweat.

In it goes.

Step One: Eat Cherry. (Avoid Pit.)

Step Two: Place stem in mouth and begin facial contortions.

Step Three:  Present tongue-knotted stem.

Step Four:  Be very cocky about it as you present it to your step-kids and wife.

Varmint, in awe: “How in the world did you DO that?!”

Critter, unimpressed: “WHY in the world would you do that?”

Me, dumbfounded:  “Oh.    My.    Goodness.”