My Varmint is getting old enough that she’s surpassed me on teachable things. Believe it or not, I am starting to fail her on some subjects.
Fortunately, I did teach her good manners: ‘please,’ and ‘thank you,’ and all the stuff in between, but there are certain things I just can’t pass on to her:
I can’t teach her how to dress stylishly.
I can’t teach her how to do her hair.
I can’t teach her how to drive, at least, not well.
I can’t teach her how to keep wisely silent when necessary.
I can’t teach her how to do a pedicure.
I can’t teach her how to suffer fools.
And I sure as hell can’t teach her Algebra.
That’s My Captain’s job.
And several other things. Oh, it’s not because she’s in the “Mom is such an idiot” stage, though I’m sure that is rapidly approaching. And it’s not because I AM an idiot, though that may be rapidly approaching as well. It’s just that all those ‘cool’ things never meant anything to me.
(Please don’t tell her Algebra teacher I said that.)
Truth is, I don’t spend time on my clothes, or my hair, or perfecting my driving skills (please don’t tell my family), or practicing the wisdom of silence when need be. So I never really excelled in any of them.
But to my credit, I did teach her more street-smart things. You know, things that will actually serve her in this violent, unpredictable, obstacle-ridden life we lead. The things that hold REAL-WORLD, applicable value, like:
How to fart silently. (You knew that was coming.)
How to belch with your mouth closed in polite company, and blow the belch air out AWAY from people clandestinely .
How to drive in the middle of two lanes to stop a butt-head from cutting in front of everyone.
How to avoid burning bacon.
How to win an argument with sheer volume.
How to walk her own path, when everyone is telling her to walk theirs.
How to take cookies from the cookie jar and re-arrange them so no one would notice any are gone.
These are the things that will actually be useful in life.
But the rest? I have no idea. I have no idea how to stencil a wall, or do my taxes, or initiate a corporate merger. I don’t know how to do make-up in the ‘sexy’ style, and I don’t know any of the answers to any Cosmo Magazine “How To Please A Man’ quiz. I don’t know how to change a car’s oil, and I don’t know how to write an effective resume letter.
In the end, I suppose all I do know, and all I really can offer in truth,
is my pure love.
And I guess, when I think about it, a mother’s pure love is just about the strongest real-world application anyone can put in their toolbox as they go through life.
But that’s just my own opinion,
and what the hell do I know?