Monthly Archives: July 2014

~ HOT Lifeguard ~

We were at Pop-pop’s beach for a glorious week, and my children, the ones who make getting up any given day during the school year a hellish feat to accomplish, were now getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to go hit the waves.

Fine!  Great!  Go get some exercise and work on your future melanomas!  I’ll have breakfast waiting for you when you’re driven back to the cottage by pangs of hunger, and the need of first aid.

One. Small. Problem.

The lifeguards at Sussex Shores don’t come on duty until 10:00am.  And while I trust your swimming abilities, the ocean can be unforgiving….

and I can’t replace you numbskulls.

Everyone looked at My Captain, who had just emerged from the bedroom, sleepy-eyed, unshaven, and scratching himself.  He had no idea what was coming.

“PLEEEEEEAAAAAAASEEEEE?  Oh please won’t you come down to the beach and watch us so we can go swimming NOW, and don’t have to wait for the guards?”

“You’re the best Troy in the whole world!  Please won’t you do this for us?  We’ll just die of boredom if you don’t!”

“We’ll be good all day, and put the dishes away without asking and everything!”

He threw me a look of condemnation, as if it was my idea to begin with (which I will neither confirm or deny) and told them to at least let him go pee first.  I gave him a grateful hug and assured him that I would come down to the beach, too, bring him a cup of coffee, and help watch the brats.

Which I did.

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Right after

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I took

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a couple of moments

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to take pictures

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of the kids playing in

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the glorious

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summer morning sunshine, and of his

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tall, dark and handsome,

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sinewy, hard-framed, totally-in-shape-without-even-trying,

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tall, wide-shouldered, narrow hipped, long-legged drink of water,

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fantastically classically profiled,

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gorgeous self.

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Are you going to help me, or what?

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Well, DUH……..What.

(He never DID get his coffee…..)


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~ Little Debbie Is A Genius ~

I remember vividly the excitement of ripping open a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies.  Or her chocolate cakes.  Or her cinnamon coffee cake muffins.   I’d forgotten about how wonderful she could make partially hydrogenated oil taste.  My children, truth be told, have not had the opportunity to eat all that crap as I did as a child.

Until this summer.

While at Pop-pop’s little cottage at the beach, I went shopping at the same mom-and-pop store my dad used to shop, called G and E Grocery Store, in Ocean View, Delaware.  This is where we as a family have been able to find “Beach Sausage,” as Pop-pop had dubbed it.  Milton sausage, made right there in Milton, Delaware.  Those butchers know their way around a vat of MSG, let me tell you!

And while I was stocking up on our favorite summertime, artery-clogging, chemically laden pork product, I passed an aisle that reminded me of Little Debbie, and her glorious sweets.  Only this time, I found she’s expanded into a beach theme!

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I wondered how they would taste.  I surmised probably like all the other little cakes of hers I’d ever tasted.  But, see, I’m not one who likes to make assumptions…whenever I do, I always come out looking like the proverbial ASS in the assumption making process.  So I did what any scientist would do, and embarked on a process dedicated to research and objective fact finding.

….I bought them all.

Don’t judge.

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~ Sno Cones ~

All of my attention was hyper-focused on something terribly stressful, like trying to get the last bit of sun-melted saltwater sticky taffy off of it’s waxed paper wrapper, when I vaguely heard the music from the local sno-cone truck.  I also vaguely remember both of my kids running to My Captain, hearing the dangle of change from his pocket, and then the sound of the doors of Pop-pop’s little cottage, where we were vacationing for the week, slamming.

Moments later, when I finally surfaced from the wax paper task, and had hidden any evidence of it thoroughly, I realized the cottage was awfully quiet.

I worried, as any good mama would do, and set out to find my two most likely mess-makers.  I got as far as the garden porch, when I spied this:

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Aw!  Critter and Varmint are so like their mama, equating summer with excessive sugar consumption!

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Whatcha doin’ guys?

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Tasting rainbows, mom.  Ever tasted a rainbow?

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Can’t say that I have darlins!

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They taste an awful lot like one of your kisses, Mom.

Pardon me, friends, while I melt into putty that would fit in the palm of my children’s hands.

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~ Coming Home ~

Critter and Varmint spent last week out west with their Dad…exploring Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone Park, and Grand Teton National Park.  They hit four different states in the course of their travels, took over a thousand pictures, and wore their crocs out.

You know you’re walking a lot when you wear out a pair of non-biodegradable Crocs.

When they got home, Varmint couldn’t stop talking, she was so excited to share what she’d seen.   Critter punched her, demanded the floor, and proceeded to tell the exact same stories, only with his funny perspective injected.

And when he finished he said, “Mom, it was awesome.  But coming home is still the best part.”

I laughed and told him he didn’t have to say that to make me feel good.

He rolled his eyes and sighed, “Mom, I didn’t say it to make you feel good.  If I wanted to make you feel good, I’d just tell you that I love you so much, no matter where I go.”

Well then……

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Welcome home, my son.

I love you too.

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~ Messing With The Master ~

One of my favorite Master Firefighters, who I have known as long as I’ve known My Captain, is Kevin.

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Kevin is one of those throwbacks to Sheriff Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show.  He is slow to anger, swift to do good works, and just a plain, old fashioned, true blue, Good Guy.

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But he has one small characteristic that opens him up for mischief at the fire house:

He’s trusting.

This is not necessarily a good thing when you are surrounded by fun-loving firemen.

Now meet Brent.

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Brent is not old-fashioned, and enjoys contemporary pranking.  Brent, and his buddy, Logan, have spent the past several weeks making Kevin’s life a little more, er, difficult.

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Now Kev has his quirks, as everyone does, and his main quirk is that he is just a tad OCD about his coffee.  He has to have his coffee cup nearby no matter what.  In fact, he made a special coffee cup holder for when he is driving the engine.

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He’s serious about his coffee, and even more so about his particular coffee mug, and makes no effort to hide it.

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Which is unfortunate, because Brent and Logan jumped on that faster than Sir Monty to catnip.

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One day, Kevin came to line up very pleased with himself because he’d bought several new coffee mugs, custom made, on Amazon.  He made the mistake of mentioning it.  You can believe that the moment line up was over, Brent and Logan were plotting.  They went onto Amazon and ordered the same mug…with the sole purpose of messing with poor Kev.

They had it made just like Kevin’s and even put a dent in it to match it exactly.

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And then, when Kev wasn’t paying attention, they would switch his mug out with theirs, after doing things to the coffee like:

…. pouring Worchestershire sauce in it, or

…..adding salt to it, or

…..making it cold…

and then they’d wait for him to take a big swig.

Sometimes they’d swap his mug for theirs right under his nose, and they were so smooth he never even noticed.

Then they also took the evil counterfeit mug around the county and took pictures of it on toilets, in physically compromising situations, and other awkward things.  They did this for a good long while, enjoying Kevin’s reactions!

Eventually, they took it out back and beat the crap out of it….all for the sole purpose of wearing Kevin out.

And Kev?  How did he handle this?  He’s their senior by far, and never did anything to provoke this kind of thing.  Did he get mad?  Did he make them do extra work, seeing as he is their Master Firefighter (kind of like being a Sergeant Major in the army)?

Nope.  He’s as good-natured as he is true blue, our Kev.

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After the joke was played out, he could admit that it was funny as heck!  Not at all right, but it’s pretty ding-dang funny!

They have a saying at the firehouse.  ‘If they aren’t picking on you, they don’t like you.’

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They love Kevin to death!

But I wonder….do they think Kev doesn’t have a few tricks up his sleeve as well?  This ain’t his first rodeo.

Stay tuned…I’m sure we’ve not heard the last of this story!



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