Posts Tagged With: goofy

~ Earning A Man Card ~

It has been hotter than a World War II Pin-up Girl here in Dickerson this week.  Though the thermometer reads 95 degrees, with the humidity that comes with the swamp that is the greater Washington DC area, the Humiture is usually around 105 degrees.  Basically, you walk out of any air-conditioned building, and the hot, wet air hits you like a concrete and steel-reinforced, brick wall.  The air is so stifling;  every breath feels used already…. like someone is breathing directly into your face.   It’s nasty.  And gross.  I don’t do well with pre-breathed air.

My Captain, when he wasn’t working this week, has had the unlucky task of digging up the wooden border around Critter and Varmint’s old playground.

The one outside in the back yard.

The one in the sun and pre-breathed air.

The one with all the bugs and yucky mud.

Poor Captain!

Critter watched him from the coolness of the kitchen, and wondered aloud about how long it would take to finish the job.  I eyed him speculatively and answered, “I dunno, but I reckon it would go a lot faster if he had some help.”

“I can’t do anything to help him,” he shrugged.

“How would you know if you don’t ask?”

Man I’m good.  Smoother than 30-year-old Whiskey, and twice as effective.  I lobbed that guilt-grenade right over his head…he never saw it coming.  Dead Bulls-eye.  I’m like a guilt-sniper.  Ka-POW.

He grumbled and went out.  And by ‘grumbled,’ I mean bitched.  Audibly.  Copiously.  He was, as they say, unwilling.

Five minutes later, however, I watched him through the window wielding a hammer, and some other strange device that, while probably originally designed for a different task entirely, looked to me like a Medieval bludgeoning device.

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Apparently My Captain entrusted him with the task of removing screws from 25-year-old pressure treated 6X6s.  This is NOT an easy task…..And certainly not if you are 60lbs, working in the sun when it is over a hundred degrees, and the bugs are eating you alive.

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I was sure there would be more, er, unwillingness being communicated.

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But Mama learned a lesson in Male-ness that day.  Instead of focusing on being too hot, or too bug-bitten, or too frustrated when screws would be difficult, Critter dug in.  He took it as a challenge, not as an undesireble chore.  And I could see that a little bit of discomfort and adversity actually sat well with him.

I’m not saying he would sign up to do it every day, but he wasn’t a tool about it.

I could see My Captain was just as surprised as I was that Critter wasn’t quitting in disgust.  It was obvious he was enjoying being ‘one of the men,’ and doing manly tasks.  You might even go as far as to say he took PRIDE in working with My Captain.

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He didn’t have time to whine.

He was too busying earning his man-card.

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~ Picnic In A Hurricane ~

It all started with the small idea that we go to Lowes and buy a simple $90.00 picnic table for Pop-Pop’s cottage at the beach.  A table where the kids can eat without getting yelled at for doing so in wet, sandy-butted bathing suits.

My Captain got that familiar look in his beautiful eyes and said in his deep, quiet voice, “We could build one way stronger than anything on the market.”

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The next thing we knew, he and Varmint and Critter were doing math computations, and trying to say “3 and 3/16ths” three times fast.

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There is something you should know about My Captain:  He has more structural engineering background than one OCD man should have… and when he has a structural challenge before him, he takes it seriously.

Perhaps a little too seriously.

This anal-retentive trait served him well when he was the Task Force Leader for Maryland Task Force One during the rescue mission at the Pentagon on 9/11.  This served him well when he was working the rubble pile at the OK City Bombing.  This came in handy when he was at Hurricane Katrina’s Search and Rescue efforts.  But when he takes on a small task like a picnic table….it becomes a little overkill.

He was putting struts and braces on his struts and braces.  He was using a heavier wood than would normally be required…and more of it. He had impact drivers and hammer drills out.  He used pulleys and mechanical advantage systems.  There was rebar littering the deck, and he wasn’t even using concrete.

He was building a picnic table so structurally sound, it could withstand a Class V hurricane….complete with Tsunami….during a tornado.

But we love him and his good intent, and cheered him on the whole time.

After day one, we thought he was finished.  Silly, silly us!

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Apparently, he had just begun.

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On day two, he added cross braces and more diagonal struts.

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On day three he added double reinforced cross supports for the umbrella stake.

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This table, I kid you not, weighs at least 2 tons.

And after day three, he turned to me and said, “Ok, you take it from here.”

I blinked innocently, and he handed me the Dewalt Sander.

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And I’ve been sanding ever since.

You see, all of those cross braces and struts and double reinforced thingy-ma-bobs have hard, splintery edges that are kid unfriendly.  My job is to make it kid friendly.

And in the shower, while I’m picking saw dust out of crevices on my body that would prefer NOT to have saw dust, I can’t help but wish a hurricane would come to test the table.

We’re THAT proud of it.

Obviously we need to get out more……

 

Bethany Beach, DE, USA

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~ Cat Herders ~

See these guys?
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These two handsome lugs are Pat and Doug.  Two of the kindest, most patient cat-herders you’d ever meet.
We had our end-of-season basketball potluck today for our 4th grade boys basketball team, and they were giving their speeches.  They took the time to address each team member specifically.
They kept it short and funny for the audience. They gave lots of kudos and high fives to the same boys they have coached for several years now.
But you know what they did that made the biggest impression on me?

Look at Pat’s face here as he gave Critter his award.
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He cares.
The cats know this.

That’s the only reason they allow Pat and Doug to herd them in the first place!
God bless the cat-herders of this world!

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~ A Matter Of Grave Importance ~

We stopped at McDonald’s for a healthful Shamrock Shake, and My Captain brought his Kindle Fire so Critter could show him what the big deal is about MineCraft.

Not really that interested in the game, I sat across from them and watched the male mind work.  Oh, and I took pictures to tease them with later:

2013-03-01 08.11.11The set up. (Explaining game rules).

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Task Force Staging (Designing his fort).

2013-03-01 08.12.55Conflict Strategization.  (Building forts with defense from zombies in mind.)

2013-03-01 08.13.04Crisis Management. (Zombie Attacks.)

2013-03-01 08.13.14Disappointment Mitigation. (The zombies ate him.)

2013-03-01 08.13.58Overcoming Obstacles.  (They started over.)

Look at those faces.  Serious stuff, man.

Add a boatload of paperwork, some lawyers and politicians, and you’ve got a FEMA task force in the making.

Only with Zombies.

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~ Social Climbing ~

I just wanted to do something unusual with my family AND at the same time, see some friends we rarely get to see.  Our friends, Paul and Heather had a gem of an idea: Wall Climbing at EarthTreks in Columbia, Maryland.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” was the response from the under-age peanut gallery at the little cottage.

“You’ll enjoy it!” I promised, as I packed snacks and drinks.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” They cried.

“It’ll be an adventure!” I urged, as I organized everything into the car.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” They pouted.

“Get in the damn car!” I barked.

And off we went, just like that.

Life really is so much easier when you just get straight to the barking.  Everything else is just for show.

Varmint was honestly scared.  She is not a fan of heights.  We could rationalize everything ad nauseam:  My Captain has a ton of rope training and experience from his time on Maryland Task Force One, he would never leave her side,  the ropes are incredibly strong, the floors are very padded, the harnesses will not give.

It didn’t matter.  She was shaking, quite literally, with fear.

Critter, on the other hand, does not know he is mortal, and we have to take the opposite tack with him:   Yes, you have to wear a harness.  Yes you have to wear a rope. No, you may not jump down from the top.

And so the day began.

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This is Paul.  Paul is demonstrating two things:  1) how strong the harness is and 2) how strong he is.  You may remember Paul from the Bethany Beach Fourth of July Blueberry Pie Eating Contest.  He rocked it three times in a row.  He’s my hero.  I’m going to be him someday.

With less facial hair.

Hopefully.

Varmint got ready, looked her fears right in the eyes, shot me a dirty, reproachful, “HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME DO THIS?” look, and started ascending the wall….   2013-01-27 14.40.44

…..hating me every bloomin’ step, and muttering to herself quietly enough that I could not discern the exact foul language she may have been employing.

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My Captain had her safely in his belay the whole time, and she eventually trusted that.  But she still hated me for being so dadburn pushy and overbearing.

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That is, until she reached the top.  And then she beamed.  And she glowed.  And she decided to climb up the wall a few more times without me pushing her into it.

And she proved to herself that she had more ability than she ever fathomed.

Oh, she still hated me, but I can take it.  She’s only eleven, after all.  I’ve got a few more years of being hated to go, I reckon.

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Critter, on the other hand…..

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…is blissfully unaware of his own mortality.

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And is wickedly adventuresome….one might say, beyond the voice of reason.

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One might even venture to say he is foolishly, zealously, brazenly over-confident.

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And rather callously unconcerned with his little ol’ mama’s skipping heart.

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In fact, you might say he’s an imp.

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A cocky one, at that.

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This picture has nothing to do with the story.  I just like the looks of My Captain in a climbing harness. 2013-01-27 15.42.57

Paul’s daughter, Zoe, reassured me that there was no need to worry about Critter.

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“Aw, there’s nothing to it,” she promised.  “He’ll be fine.”

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She said this as she herself scrambled like a monkey up the wall….as if gravity were optional.

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This picture has nothing to do with the story either.  I just love his arms and shoulders, and, er backside.

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“Hmmm,” muttered Critter, “I bet I could do that faster.”

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“Me, too!” answered Paul.

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And then he did!

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Rather nimbly, I might add.  Not bad for an 85-year-old man.

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I just wanted to look at this guy again.   BOY HOWDY.

Can you believe he is married to me?  I sure as heck can’t.  I keep waiting for him to realize the enormity of what he’s done.  But in the meantime, I’ll enjoy the view, thank you very much.

Wait, what was this post about again?

Categories: Family | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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