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My Captain came home from working 12 hours of overtime today, during which he ran a rather disturbing, pediatric, trauma call.

Memories of the day must have been dogging him.

Stress, and suppressed high emotions, must have been banging around in his head and heart as he pulled his truck into the driveway.

Re-runs of how the call unfolded must have been looping in his brain as he tiredly, and ever so slowly, walked to the house.

The picture of that child’s face must have been haunting his thoughts as he put down his keys, and walked into the family room to join us.

Did he voice them?  Did he share them?  What did he do first?

He grabbed Critter and asked him to go get his new, handmade, homemade, paper boomerang to show it off.  Then he followed the very enthusiastic boy outside, soaking up the Critter’s joy.   He encouraged him, and applauded him, and loved him as Critter laughed, and ran, and jumped, and threw that thing for his attentive audience of one, again, and again, and again.

And My Captain’s face relaxed.

He had taken a deep breath

…..and was home.

I had a guy tell me today that he thinks I hide a lot of pain with my humor.

I was speechless.

How do I tell someone that the depth they are attibuting to me is false?  How do I tell them that I am really about as shallow as the urine-polluted kiddie pool at the YMCA?  What words would convey the shocking limits to my understanding?

Then it hits me. Maybe this guy NEEDS to believe there is depth.  Maybe he is so scared that the horrific lack of sensibility I display might be real, that he has to dive into denial with both feet.

I respect that.  I’m a big fan of delusionment.

So I squeezed out a tear and begged him not to tell anyone about the hidden pain deep, deep within me.

And went on about my way, cracking jokes about farts and pee-pees.

Today I was looking at pictures a friend posted on Facebook of a recent trip their family took to Disney World.  They were adorable pictures, with all kinds of oversized-polka-dot-pants-wearing mice and heavily made-up princesses in the background.  My friend’s girls were smiling huge smiles and it looked like a magical time was had by all.

And I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of resentment.

I never got to go to Disney as a child, and I have not been able to take my kids either.  Critter is 9 and Varmint is 10 and the time for magic is growing short.

My Captain is working overtime as much as he can.  And he manages to cover all of our needs so very well.

Disney is not a need.  I don’t care what my kids say, it’s just NOT a need.

But then I see my friend’s Disney pictures on Facebook, and I can readily understand how my kids see it as a NEED.

On the news today I saw that the Maryland Senate has just approved income tax hikes so they can avoid spending cuts.   And these hikes will affect yours truly to the tune of about $900.00 more.   And I wonder how much of my money they take will be used for ‘need‘.

And I feel resentment.

But then I remember that we are taking the kids camping this summer…..TO MONTANA.  That is the big-ticket item of the year.  The item that My Captain is working so much overtime to pay for.  (Note: flying 4 people from Maryland to Glacier Park does indeed cost the proverbial arm and leg.)  My kids will be sleeping under the stars in Glacier, Montana….with the mountains and the lakes and the big sky and the bears, moose, and big horned goats.  Those things are REAL.  REALLY REAL.

They are not made up.  They are not based on fiction.  They are not the fantasies of a man long dead.

They are real.  And we will be taking these Easterners…these kids who live a very East Coast middle class life, and plunking them down into the Great North West…within walking distance from the Great Continental Divide.

The experience is priceless.

The resentment I felt?  LOOOOooooonnnng Gone.

Replaced with Teeming Gratitude.

Life is good.

I don’t know why, but my butt was dragging today.  All Day.

I made it as far as 6:00pm, faking consciousness most of the time leading up to it. Both kids had friends over and we were visiting grandma.  I kerplunked down on the Chaise Lounger on her screened porch.

The sky was a beautiful blue.

The breeze was cool and gentle.

The red and gold finches and tufted titmice were chirping gaily along on a nearby feeder.

My son and his best friend were playing on the Wii and I could hear then laughing in the distance.

My daughter and her best friend were chatting away with Grandma on the porch near me.

Except for my swollen, painful knee and complete and life-sucking lethargy, all was well with the world.

And then there was nothing.

…..

I awoke to laughter.  I don’t know how long I had been dozing, but the sky was now a dark shade of gray, and I was aware of a new crick in my neck.

As I climbed out of the sleepy fog, I could see that my Varmint and her friend were playing charades with Grandma.  They saw me wake up and were quick to show me how they had used me during their game.

Varmint assumed a sleeping posture, with her mouth agape at a rather unflattering angle, and started snorting.

Which made them all giggle.

I have a horrible suspicion that it will only be a few years until I awake from one of these spontaneous naps to find either sharpie ink on my face, or shaving cream in my ear. Or my hand in a bowl of warm water.  Or pictures of me drooling on my pillow on the internet.

And no, I don’t believe for one moment that my mother would stop them.

Two-Year-Old Twins + Boys + Firetrucks = Pure Joy

My dear friend Eleny and her boys came to visit us this weekend, and of course we took the boys to My Captain’s fire station.  You would have thought we had taken them to Nirvana.

First there was active exploring of the apparatus.  Including fine crevice check.

And then there was inspection of the Officer’s seat.

A full circle check of the outside of the vehicles.

A lot of up and down-ing with the help of my Varmint.

Then inspection of the Officer Seat of the Ladder Truck.

And driver side of the Engine, with the help of a Master Firefighter.

And a high-five to boot.

Oh Zach is READY to drive this baby.

Look at the dreaming going on here.  This might be the start of something beautiful.

Yes, Zach may be well on his way to becoming a recruit.

But Vince is happy to stay with Mom and My Varmint a little while longer.

He knows a good thing when he sees it.