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I’d like to do a brief recap of the food I ate yesterday, the Fourth of July:

• Milton Sausage Links
• Scrambled Eggs with Creamed Onion and Spinach
• Raspberry Danish
• Coffee with Whole Milk and Stevia
• Pastrami and Pepperoni Sandwich on a Whole Wheat Kaiser Roll
• An Entire Blueberry Pie (eaten in 2 minutes)
• Conch Fritters with Red Pepper Aioli
• Pan Seared Halibut with Olive Tapenade

• And a Grapefruit Margarita

When did the Fourth of July become synonymous with gluttony for me?  Ok, Ok, the Pie is because of the Annual Bethany Beach Pie Eating Contest, so that explains that particular excess, but how about the rest?

Our founding forefathers were not men of wanton gorging.  Except maybe for Benjamin Franklin.

So I guess that’s it, then.  I emulate Ben.

Meh, it could be worse.

This:

is a plate full of Conch Fritters from Patty’s Restaurant in Bethany Beach, Delaware.

And this:

is what they do to your mouth.

Word.

I love my Varmint so completely.  She’s smart, she’s sensitive, she’s introspective, and most of all, she’s funny.  She loves to laugh and make other’s laugh.

I don’t know where she gets it.

We had taken the kids and their friends to Rehoboth Boardwalk, specifically Funland and Playland, so they could ride the rides that I had ridden when I was a kid.  We do this every year.  Every. Stinkin. Year.

Mind you, we don’t do it because the kids want to.  We do it because Mama is stuck in her childhood and is in denial that time is passing.  So I make the kids ride the same kiddie rides every year.

They take it in stride.  Like I said, they are good kids.  They don’t mind humoring Mama’s weird side every now and again.  But since it isn’t as entertaining for them as it used to be, Varmint makes it fun herself.  She get’s silly for Mama.

Case and point:

Here she is being silly for Mama.

Here is her friend Megan wondering what the heck she is doing.

And then Megan gets it and joins in.

I realize that most of you are like, “Uh, so what? So the kids are being goofy. What’s so special about that?”

Because most of the adults I know wouldn’t think of making a cake of themselves to make someone else smile.  They might crack a joke or something, but not at the expense of their own stature.  Kids will without hesitation, especially my Varmint; it’s sweet.

And I love her for it.

Ok, ok, I make a cake out of myself with regularity, but I think we’ve established that my growth is stunted.

It began innocently enough.

Our friend Willoughby came to visit us at the beach.  She brought with her toddler son,  my extreme-future fiance, Lane, (who I believe is cheating on me by falling in love with my Varmint, but that is another story,)

and she also brought us doughnuts.

It went downhill from there…..

Oh sure, everyone was pleased to get them, especially My Captain, who grabbed his FAVORITE…Boston Cream Pie Doughnut….before I could even snap a picture of the box:

This picture cracks me up for a couple of reasons:

1) He has food in his mouth and is trying really hard not to show it.

And

2) He is peeved that I’m taking a picture and is trying really hard not to show it.

Would you just look at his eyes?  He looks like he is about to lob that doughnut at me!  Not that I would complain.

Anyways….back to Willoughby’s doughnuts….  My Captain grabbed his, and then the boys dug in.  And I do mean all the boys.

Critter and his friend, Richard, began chowing on multiple doughnuts.

There was very little chance I would get their attention for a picture at this point, but I kept trying.

A little better.  I got Critter to fix his insulin-drowned gaze on me, and Richard to cock an eyebrow.  …sigh…

It took about half a minute after the ingestion of the last doughnut before the first sugar-induced volley was fired.

Thankfully I double-stitched all of the candy striped pillows, so they can take a beating.

Come to think of it, so can the boys.

If you need me, I’ll be hiding under my bed.

I made a Lemonade Pie today, because I was hot, because I’m talented in the kitchen, and because the pie has, er,  only 4 ingredients in it.

Simple.  Like me.

Check this out:

1 small can of lemonade concentrate, thawed.

1 small (8 oz) tub Cool Whip, thawed.

1 can Sweetened Condensed Milk.

1 Ready Made Graham Cracker Pie Crust.

Mix the first three ingredients.  Pour that mixture into the crust.  Freeze.  Eat.  Repeat.

Here is where I screwed it up.

“What?” You say, incredulously.  “How can you screw that up?  It’s ridiculously simple.”

Well, like anything else, I just don’t know when to stop.  So after I put it together, I decided to get all artsy-fartsy-food-network-Paula-Deen-crazy and decorate it with slices of lemons I’d dipped in sugar.

Do you know what that did?  It made runny lemonade on the top.

Genius. Pure genius.

So don’t be me.  Follow the instructions and leave it in its unadorned glory.

It’s so simple even a simpleton couldn’t screw it up.

….much.