Posts Tagged With: funny

~ Critter’s Quest ~

If you have children…  Or if you had children, and they are now grown….  Or if you ever were a child yourself (wait, what?), then this story will take you back, make you smile, and put warm squishy fuzzy feelings in your gut, similar to that of gas from a Taco Bell Volcano Supreme Burrito.

THIS is Critter’s living room fort.  It spans the entire room, and uses all of the chairs, including My Captain’s favorite recliner.  To get into the fort, you have to say the password.

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How do you get the password?  You have to go on a quest for it, of course.

I had just picked up My Captain from the airport shuttle this evening, and he was exhausted from several days of training out in San Diego, and feeling sick in general.  He wanted nothing more than to pop open one of his high-falootin’ fancy schmancy micro-brew beers, kick back in his recliner, and let Sir Monty of Stinky Butt curl up in his lap to bring his blood pressure down.

But he didn’t know the password. So guess who had to start a quest for the password, and was good natured enough about it to be resigned to said quest, instead of stomping his feet and ripping down the fort?  That’s right, My Beloved.

Here was the beginning:

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Aha!  Cookie’s gravestone is in the Hosta Garden out back.

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We’ll start there!

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There, buried deep in the hostas and Lily of the Valley, lies Cookie, our sweet calico who lived to the ripe old age of 18 before she passed on to the great catnip fields in the sky.

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We followed the smashed hosta leaves to Cookie’s grave marker, and found the next clue. Note to self: Remind Critter that henceforth we will NOT be placing clues in any of mommy’s flower beds.

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Hmmm.   My Captain wonders if Critter is crazy enough to mean the country road we live on.

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We shudder to think of him crouching down on this road….long enough to tape a clue to the pavement.

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Who knew scotch tape worked on asphalt?

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The only ‘ride’ we ever had was an old Zip Line we had, that a tree took down during Hurricane Sandy. And the only part of that left is the stand My Captain and Papa built for it.

And it is all the way back UP…

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the stinkin’ hill. 

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(Did I mention My Captain was tired from traveling several thousand miles today?)

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What is high as an elephant’s eye?

Wait a minute, Varmint was in the musical Oklahoma earlier this year.  We found ourselves singing:”The corn is as high as an elephant’s eyyyyyyyyeeeeeee.”

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He couldn’t have put the next clue all the way out in the corn field, could he?

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Through the magical fairy path in the woods (yes, complete with glitter on the trail….)

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and through the prickers, raspberries, and poison ivy….

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Until it opens up to the great corn field.

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and we find the password.

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All of that effort for this ridiculous password.

Was it worth it?

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Eyup.

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You bet your sweet Schnitzel it was.

Categories: Family | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

~ Come Home Soon, You Big Dork ~

My Captain is thousands of miles away from me as we speak…in some strange land known mysteriously as “San Diego.”   He and two of the other Task Force Leaders of Maryland Task Force 1 are out there for some kind of super-secret cyber training.   I think they are learning some cheats for Mine Craft or Angry Birds.

I begged him to send me some pictures, since I have never been to San Diego, and don’t know if I ever will get the chance.  I BEGGED him, even though I know he is busy and carries a much greater purpose than to serve my whims.

But I try not to remind him of that fact.

So he sent me this:

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A picture of how perfectly he parked the rental car – to the centimeter – and to the consternation of his fellow Task Force Leaders.  These are men who specialize in tight space rescues.  These are guys who KNOW how hard it can be to be SO precise.   So when My Captain successfully parked in a space his peers were sure he could not, he took a picture.  And THAT is what he sent to me.

I was not impressed.

So the next night, I again asked for a picture of San Diego, so that this homebound Mama in Dickerson, Maryland, could see what the rest of the world looks like.  He sent me this:

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I bitched about the lack of perspective to THE CITY.  So he sent me this:

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“LOOK,” I whined, “Send me something other than your amazing parking jobs, you big dork.”

So he sent me this:

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Obviously my man needs his sense of humor tweaked.

I changed tactics and asked him to send me maybe a picture of where they are taking their classes.  So he sent me this:

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***Sigh***

Okay, Beloved, you win.  How about just a picture of a handsome mug?  (I never get tired of looking at my man’s face.)

So he sent me this:

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ARGH.

While I am happy to look at the handsome mugs that are John and Bob, I really just wanted to see my Honey.

So I told him, “Look, I appreciate your sense of humor, but Love, you know what I’d really like to see.  Cut the crap.”

So he sent me this:

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What can I say?  The man knows me well.  Maybe TOO well.

Now hurry up and come home soon, you big Dork!!!

Categories: Urban Search and Rescue | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

~ The Hot Box ~

Yesterday was a whopper of a hot day here at Pop-pop’s beach cottage.  I mean it was a humid, fly-biting, feels-like-the-air-has-already-been-breathed kind of day.   Around 9 O’clock, I checked in on My Captain, (who is in week two of his beach chair shed project that he and his best friend Ty had started when Ty’s family visited earlier last week)…

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(remember he is on vacation….).

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and found him in the garage, planing wood.

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He was drenched with sweat.  Even his hat was dripping…and it was only 9 O’clock in the morning!

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It was already nearing 100 degrees (it got to 105 by Noon – which in Delaware is most emphatically NOT a DRY heat) and My Captain was out working in it.

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He’s the kind of guy who gets hyper-focused, in case you hadn’t noticed.  Anal Retentive to the extreme, he wouldn’t even stop to drink until I stamped my foot and unplugged his power cord.

Yes,  I really behave like that. I’m a tyrant. Don’t judge.

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So I took it upon myself to make him a work-oasis.  I put a beach umbrella out where he was working in the sun.  I took no less than three INDOOR (as in, not safely meant for OUTDOOR) extension cords and put a fan outside (I’m an incorrigible rebel, I confess.  I also rarely put the milk away when I get it out.) where he would be, and switched that puppy on to ‘High.’

Did it make a difference in the heat?

 

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Er, no.

But I bet he felt loved.

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He did eventually call “uncle” and gave it up around 3pm, when he got tired of the relentless, oppressive heat and biting flies.  We dragged him down to the beach, where he was still in relentless, oppressive heat, and was still sweetmeat for the biting flies, but at least he could go jump in the cool, rather shark-infested Atlantic for respite.

Ah, living the dream, I tell you.  Living the dream.

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He plans to finish the shed tomorrow…has to, really, because he signed up to work Overtime at the firehouse for Friday, and so will be cutting his vacation short. (Someone has to pay for my Lindt and Hershey Chocolate habits, for which no rehab has put even the slightest dent.)  As far as the shed project goes, that means putting the siding on, building and installing the doors, and painting any trim.  But he’s totally got this.  He’s a hyper-focused animal, My Captain.  It’s what makes him so good at his job as a fireman and FEMA task-force leader.  He’s always super focused on the mission!

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And we’ve decided to name this particular mission ‘The Hot Box’ in honor of the tortuous conditions he slaved under and survived!

Thank you, Beloved!!!

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Categories: Family | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

~ A Critter Christmas Tree ~

Since our Christmas season this year is going to be rather abbreviated for various reasons, we had to squeeze a pound of Christmas Do-ings into an ounce of time this weekend.  We hunted for and cut down our Christmas Tree, 2014-11-29 14.13.04 pruned it, put it up, realized it was crooked, and put it up again, decorated it, and decided it was facing the wrong way, so we moved the whole ding-dang show until My Captain’s OCD was satiated.

AND, we went to two shows:  “A Tuba Christmas” and “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”

Don’t judge me.  I’m trying to entertain people from the ages of pre-teen through Senior Citizen.  It’s tough to make everyone happy.  Fortunately potty humor is our universal love-language, and we do just fine at venues like these. 2014-11-29 13.41.39 Hunting the tree on a crisp, cold, clear day was lovely, as it usually is every year. This year we actually forgot to bicker, and clearly we need to go back and have a do-over.

A Christmas tree hunt without some minor family squabble feels just plain weird. But without much ado, the tree was agreed upon. 2014-11-29 14.13.56 The children each got their try at cutting….2014-11-29 14.13.22…though to be fair, they might have been napping, it was hard to tell. 2014-11-29 14.15.28 And My Captain, as he does every year, had to finish the job. 2014-11-29 14.19.25 I supervise.  At my age and girth, it is my God-given right to just stand there and supervise. 2014-11-29 14.13.28 Critter found a couple of oddities this year at the Tree Farm.  Most notably was a dead possum at the base of one of the trees in the field. 2014-11-29 14.15.10 Because nothing says ‘Live Christmas Tree’ like a halfway rotted corpse of some unfortunate overgrown rodent.

But also, he found the tree tops of two Christmas trees that someone else had clearly trimmed and discarded right there in the field.

MOM!  I’ve got to have these!

Er, okay.  For curiosity’s sake, why?

I need to make a couple of Critter Cristmas trees!  They’d be like Charlie Brown Christmas trees, only REAL!

My Captain’s mind was way ahead of us.  Right after he got our precious family tree up for us to decorate, he took Critter to his work area, 2014-11-29 19.37.59 and proceeded to do manly things like glue with super heavy duty, oh-lord-don’t-get-this-on-your-clothes wood glue.   2014-11-29 19.43.12 and drill with a heavy duty, two speed, supercalifragilistic drill, 2014-11-29 20.03.30 and nail…gently, so you don’t split the wood!  And because Mama is watching, and you KNOW how she gets. 2014-11-29 19.45.12 And the next thing we knew, Critter bellowed, “Eureka!” and it was done.

Okay, there was no “Eureka!”   It was more like a “Behold!”  Or maybe it was a “Woot!Woot!”  I can’t really recall.  But what I DO remember is his face.  It reminded me of the Absentminded Professor right after he invented Flubber. 2014-11-30 11.00.21 But a Critter Christmas Tree is way, way, WAY better than any silly ol’ Flubber.

Categories: Family | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

~ The Big-Ass Tire That Could ~

This is the story of a large tire who didn’t believe in itself, but with the help of the Montgomery County Special Ops (Collapse/Trench/Technical Rescue) Team,  learned to.

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We’ll name the tire Fred.

Fred was between 5 and 6 HUNDRED pounds of glorious black rubber.  He had lived a rather mundane life, going in circles again and again and again, until he was retired.  He thought his life was over at that point.  He had not been chosen to live the remainder of his years on a kiddie playground, and no one was making him into a redneck flower bed.  He was very sad.

Poor Fred.

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Then one day, yesterday, to be exact, the rescue team from Montgomery County decided to use him for one of their hundreds of trainings.

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Fred found himself being hauled up hills,

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pulled over things,

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pushed under things,

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heaved,

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and hoed.

Hoed?

Just go with it.

The kind Special Ops team took him everywhere that day, so they could be more prepared when a true crises came.  And THAT made Fred feel good about his purpose in this world, for he knew he was a part of saving peoples’ lives….

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…and tiring out grown mens’ behinds quite thoroughly.

(Fred really needs to lose some weight.)

Categories: Fire and Rescue | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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