Sir Monty of Stinky Butt has many issues, his name notwithstanding. As a wee little kitty, his anal glands were like none other our vet had ever experienced.
“How could something so cute smell so foul?” She wondered aloud several times.
Note: If you have never experienced an anal gland expression, you’re blessed. It’s not a fun treat, I promise you. Unless you like gag-inducing odors that permeate your clothes and hang around in your nose for 24 hours or more. I’ll never forget the first time I tried to explain the problem to our vet.
Me: “His butt stinks. Like a LOT.”
Doc: “Is it a Poo smell, or an Anus smell?”
Me: “….uh…wha??”
Doc: “Does it smell like Poo, or Ass?
Me: “…uh…how’s about I just bring him in for you to tell ME?”
Turns out, the smell was an Anus smell. Go figure. I am ashamed to say I now know the difference in kitty butt smells.
This particular problem of Sir Monty’s did not endear a very reluctant Captain of mine very much. In fact, My Captain was adamant that Sir Monty was not welcome in our home…which of course ensured that Sir Monty adopted My Captain with a favoritism far greater than any of the rest of us…even Critter..who he really DOES have a true affinity for.
Every time My Captain comes home and flops into his favorite recliner,
Sir Monty follows up and takes his spot on My Captain’s belly or chest,
assumes the position on his back,
and immediately is gratified with the perfect belly rub.
My Captain doesn’t even realize he’s doing it half the time. Sir Monty trained him THAT well.
Tonight I’m alone. The kids are with their dad for the evening, and My Captain is at the firehouse working overtime. Sir Monty had to make do with cuddling just little ol’ me.
It took some effort, but he managed to get comfortable….
I was surprised he would even speak to me after this afternoon’s, er, incident.
You see, I’ve recently planted 1,000 new tulip bulbs for next spring.
When I do this, I sprinkle Cayenne pepper in each bulb’s hole, as well as on top of the dirt after it’s planted. This deters critters from eating the bulbs over the winter.
Sir Monty got out this afternoon, and decided to “do his business” in one of my freshly planted and cayenned tulip beds.
Have you ever seen a cat get Cayenne on his butthole?
It’s funny as heck, I tell you. And then the second show is when the cat tries to lick his butthole clean, which then makes his mouth irritated, so he licks that and….well….
Look, I don’t get out much and this kind of thing makes me laugh so hard I snort. I DO love animals, I swear! And how was I supposed to know he would try to poop there?
I bet he’ll think twice before he poops in my tulips again! Ah, good times! Good times!
“So, Mama, what do you do when you’re home alone?” “Oh, not much, just watch my cat try to lick pepper off his stinky anal gland.”
Don’t judge.
Mama Boe 
This is next to impossible to read with a straight face. Keep up the great work!