~ Gargantuan Zucchini Boats~

2013-08-13 17.11.58I told you about our friend Sam’s evil plot to drown us in Zucchini, and I asked you to give me ideas for what to do with them.  You came through!  So many of you gave me fantastic ideas for zucchini pizza, zucchini boats, zucchini bread, zucchini strata, and zucchini hash…all of them were great ideas.  I decided to try the boat idea.   I didn’t have a recipe…didn’t even look one up on the internet because I figured, ‘How hard could it be?’

Impulsively, I simply grabbed my unbelievably sharp knife,


being very, very careful so as not to…..




Just kidding!

Where was I?  I picked up my Cutco knife-from-hell and cut that behemoth of a zucchini in half lengthwise.


Like SO!

Then I picked up my Melon Baller.

Melon Baller?

Yes, Melon Baller.  Just go with me, I’m on a roll…..


And proceeded to


take a really blurry picture.  Look, give me a break here, I’m taking pictures, I’m disemboweling large vegetables, I’m doing the hokey pokey all at the same time here.


Until I had scooped them out.  A note…scoop them out more than I did.  It was WAY too much pulp.  Hopefully, though, you aren’t a friend of Sam’s, and are dealing with normally sized zucs.

100_0375Add some salt to the cut edges,


be amazed at how gross your hand looks in close-up photographs,

100_0381and then put both halves face down in a colander.  This is a large colander, if that gives you any sense of proportion to what I was dealing with here….

100_0382Grab your meat sauce, or marinara sauce, whatever you have on hand.  But don’t, for all that is good and holy, grab an unmarked bag, from the freezer, of sloppy joe sauce that you mistake for regular meat sauce.  DON’T do it.  (ahem.)

But if you do, forgive yourself, and move on with life.  It will be okay.

Then violently grab a tomato that you stole from Grandma Jane’s garden,


And chop that bad boy up.


Do the same with a boatload of garlic, which you then sautee.


Forget to photograph the garlic once you’ve sautéed it.

Unceremoniously dump that entire bowl of chopped, sautéed garlic into your meat sauce.  Why?  Because it NEEDS IT, man!

Then pull the 2 pounds of bacon you have cooking for tomorrow’s BLT’s, out of the oven, smell its heavenly aroma, and move the meat to your towels…drain most…but not all…of that golden grease.  And do something crazy.  I mean CRAZY.



That’s right.  Put those beautiful zucchini shells on the bacon grease, face down.  You’re going to sear the tops in BACON grease, friends.

Go back to the bacon on the plate, and caress it and murmur sweet loving words to it.


Then get your cheeses ready while the zucchini bakes in the hot oven.


I’m using mozzarella, and Parmesan.  But you could use anything.  Goat cheese, cheddar, whatever floats your boat.

Grate them, but NOT your knuckles.  Don’t ask me why I say this.




Then let your strapping husband who just got home from work at the firehouse, pull the 60-pound zucchinis out of the oven.  He’ll love the smell right about now, because it smells of bacon grease.  He’ll want to take a pastry brush and brush more on the Zucs.  You’ll let him because he is your beloved, and you can’t refuse him anything.


Look at those muscles!  LOOK AT THEM!!!


You won’t even say a word when he gets excessive with the bacon grease.  Why?  See part about beloved above.

Ok Vern!  We’re ready to assemble!  (Is it okay if I call you Vern?)

Put the meat sauce, that would never be sloppy joe sauce because you’re an airhead, into the boats.


Fill ’em both up!


A little bit of zee pepper would be niiiiice….


And some mozzarella!


Don’t be stingy!  Cheese is meant to be gorged on!


And add the Parmesan, because if some is good, more is better!


And if you are feeling sassy, add some pepperoni on top of that 2 pounds of cheese.  And by all means, make it TURKEY pepperoni, because you’re into making healthy choices….

And then add your chopped, stolen tomato…


Then bake those beautiful boats for nearly an hour, depending on the size of your Zucchini.  MmmMMmm.  Hot, cheesy, and saucy.  Just like My Captain!


Gargantuan Zucchini Boats, brought to you by Sam, and made by me, with love!

Slice them up, and make 300 of your closest friends happy; it’s a LOT of food, people!

But they sure are tasty!

Make them today!!!

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