~ Untrustworthy Bowels ~

My kids had an All-School music concert this week.

I arrived in time to see everything, but not in time to actually get a decent seat.

Rather than sit in the back where even my trusty camera zoom would do me no good, I decided to sit on the floor of the gymnasium and watch from a good camera angle.  After all, it is my Varmint’s last year at this school, and it’s a poignant thing for me to see.  AND both she AND my critter had solos (though I didn’t know Critter had one until the moment it happened…but that is for another story).  I had to have a good camera angle.  I had to get ‘the shot’.

So I plunked myself down on the floor on the side of a center aisle, ignoring any raised eyebrows which may have come my direction.  When you are as big and loud and clutzy as I am, you learn to ignore raised eyebrows.  It’s a talent that comes in handy.

One thing you ought to know about me.  I creak.  I have crunchy knees.  I snap, crackle, and pop.  I’ve got joint issues that make arthritis sufferers pity me.  I’m a walking orthopedic surgeon’s annuity.

Oh, and I’m dramatic.

So when I went down on the floor, I sat indian-style for a couple of minutes until that got excruciating.  Then I sat on my knees for a couple of minutes before my feet went numb.  Then I sat on my rear with my feet straight out until my back couldn’t take it anymore.  Then I cycled back to the indian style again.  Each time I did this, I made different bone/joint sounds, accented by occasional grunts because, well, I’m old and fat.  It’s what we do.

There was a sweet man behind me…the father of one of my daughter’s classmates…he got up and moved to stand at the back of the gym and told me as he did so to take his seat.   I was like, “No No! I’m fine!  Stay!”  and he insisted.  Chivalry is not dead my friends!  It was in between songs and the kids were moving around on the risers, so it was a good time to move.  He was so very kind to offer me his spot.

I felt bad, for an entire nano-second.  And then I moved to get up to take the seat.

To do this, I had to roll over onto my side, and then up onto my hands and knees, then kind of give myself a push up, then use that empty chair for balance and leverage.  No problem.  I’ve done it hundreds of other times.

But this time, as I rolled over onto my side, it pushed a fart out.

An audible fart.

An audible fart that surprised me as much as it did the people around me who heard it.

Remember that part about me ignoring raised eyebrows?

Yeah….It’s a good talent to have.