I’m afraid of Walmart.
Not just because it’s so big and cavernous that I need a GPS.
Not just because it’s so dirty I feel like I need to shower in Purell when I leave.
Not just because every time I go there one of the employees accosts me to check my receipt.
It’s because of the website “People of Walmart”.
One of my newest greatest fears is that I will one day be on a picture on that website.
For those of you who don’t know Peopleofwalmart.com, it’s a compilation of pictures from inside Walmarts all over the country…of some of the patrons…and their rather strange habits.
People with cleavage in weird places. Wearing Gold Lame and leopard print spandex. Who weigh 500 lbs. And shouldn’t be wearing spandex. Anywhere. Ever.
People with strange piercings and tattoos and other self-mutilations.
People wearing their jeans so low down on their body, they need a second pair of jeans underneath them.
People who have their kids in the carts in bizarre positions…anatomically impossible positions.
And I am sure beyond a doubt that none of those people know the following:
1) That their picture is being taken.
2) That they don’t look as cool as they think they do. Unless the definition of cool is “AUAUUAGHGHGHGHGHG!”
3) That they will wind up on the internet for the WORLD to see and laugh and mock with disdain.
I’m intelligent enough to know that there are days when that could be me. There are days when someone could be taking my picture because of some rather poor wardrobe decision I’ve made, or because of one of my many physical deformities, or because I’m not as cool as I think.
It could happen.
Maybe it already has.
I’ve got to stop wearing Gold Lame and spandex. I’ve just got to.