~ How To Avoid Sexual Activity ~

I have a daughter…… I have a daughter!

Sugar and Spice and everything nice!  Ruffles and lace and pretty bows!  Tea parties and Barbie dolls and stuffed bunnies!  Hair brushes and lip gloss and pretty dresses.  Ah the delight of having a daughter!

That’s all well and good.  But consider the following:

In a few years she will want to start dating.  Then she will want to start holding hands….which might lead to kissing and OH GOOD LORD Pandora’s box will be right in front of her.

How can I prevent this?

I can’t.

But I CAN delay it.  I can sabotage it.

Here’s my strategy.

I’ll prepare garlic-filled dinners before any date night.  If their date is dinner, then a strongly garlic-filled snack as soon as she gets home from school.  SERIOUS garlic.

I’ll serve her gas-causing meals the day of the date.  Especially if it is a Saturday….I’ll have the whole day to pre-load her up on beans, broccoli, eggs, and onions.  Oh, and the kiss of farting death: cauliflower

I’ll display a shotgun in each room the boy may enter when he comes to pick her up….and I’ll place open boxes of Ammo everywhere, too.  Maybe even a couple of empty cases in the bathroom.

I’ll have Troy sit down with the boy and subtly, casually tell stories from when he was a Fire Investigator in the Fire Marshall’s office and how he had to take all the Police Training Courses to do it.  Including marksmanship.  And then I’ll  have Troy tell the boy how well-trained he is in detective work. And tell him how many people are in jail because of his investigative skills.  Oh, and I’ll ask him to fake a nervous twitch.

I’ll make the boy give us a full fingerprinting before he leaves the house with Gwen.  Also, I’ll have him leave a sample of hair for DNA testing.

And the Piece De Resistance:  When she isn’t looking, I’ll smear fresh cat-poo on the bottom of her shoe…deep in the crevices so it won’t scrape easily.  Just enough to give off a slightly malodorous scent.

That should about cover it.

Oh yeah, and I’m going to take my daughter to the Vet to have a chip placed subcutaneously like they do in dogs.  Only I’ll have them add a GPS marker so I can locate her at any time.

BrilliantGenius, I know!  You don’t have to tell me!

Some people would suggest I simply sit down with her and warn her off.  Appeal to her logical side.  But look, people, we’re talking about fighting hormones.  We’ll also be in the “parents are idiots” stage of her development….you know, the time in her life where she will think I have no idea what it is to be crazy randy horny, so she might blow off my advice.   I can’t take that chance.

So I say, go in the back door.  Don’t take this monster on face to face.  Work smarter, not harder.  Remember, old age and treachery beat youth and skill every time.

For those of you friends with daughters, you’re welcome for the ideas.

For those of you friends who have sons, go ahead and convict me of being over the top.  Tell me I’m too extreme.  Accuse me of being insensitive.  Brand me as insane.

Whatever.

I sleep at night.  Do you?

Categories: Uncategorized | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “~ How To Avoid Sexual Activity ~

  1. Elizabeth Adamczak

    I have a daughter too – but none of that first paragraph applies… I have toads & rocks, jeans & t-shirts w/plain rubber bands holding back plain pony-tails and we’ve NEVER had a tea-party here – but plenty of LOUD Pokemon battles… Now we DO have stuffed bunnies… I did hope to do all the girly-girl stuff, but that’s just not my kid. And guess what? I love her to pieces anyway! =)

    Good ideas you’ve got there. Instead of the micro chip, you COULD give her a cell phone (JUST FOR THE DATE) with the GPS app – just don’t tell her it’s in there. And while you are treating him to a cookie or something, have Troy run out to his car & insert a tiny surveilance camera so you can watch the goings-on inside…

  2. Linda

    Mama Boe,

    Those of us who have raised a well mannered son or sons, would love it if a young lady could burp or fart louder them, would talk to Troy about guns and ammo & love hear about investigations and you should know already how guys like to talk about poop! A son or sons have to be careful about psycho girls! lol

  3. EVFKirkpatrick

    I distinctly remember when my older daughter was about 12 or 13. She was going to the movies with a group of friends. One of the friends, a boy, was in our foyer and ready to walk her to the car. As the boy was leaving, my husband asked him how much he liked his arms. The boy looked perplexed and my husband told him that if he planned on touching my daughter, my husband would break the boy’s arms. My daughter was mortified and followed with an awkward laugh. I will say that the boy never came to our house again, but he is still friends with my daughter and he really turned out to be a wonderful young man.

  4. Don

    One of my youngest daughter’s former boyfriend is serving time for bumping off his folks.

  5. Maryanne Cunningham Giorgio

    I’m thinking some deep breathing excercises are needed here…..just saying! lol

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