~ Steve Urkel ~

WHAT is with fat chick pants?  Who in the hell is in charge of designing these things?  We’re fat, people, in our butts, our thighs, our waists…not our crotches! ( Can I tell you how much fun it was to bold and italicize the phrase ‘not our crotches’? That rocked!)

Why is it that fat jeans have these unbelievably long crotches?  Do they think that part of us really requires all that room?  Do they think if we are fat, we also become male?  Why do fat chick pants crotches go down to mid-thigh??

And what is with the super high waists?  We have so little choice.  We can either squeeze into low riders and have our back fat flop over it, or we look like Steve Urkel with the waist going to just below our boobies. And the legs are always about 2 inches too short on the ‘average’ length fat chick jeans.  They must think that we take away from our length to make our girth! Geezie Peezie!

Its like being fat is not punishment enough, the clothing industry wants to make us suffer more by donning us in dorky styles.

And lets talk sleeves for a moment, shall we?  ALL Big Women Designers, listen up!  We do not want sleeveless shirts.  We need something below the elbow.  It’s not about shame or vanity, it’s about the fact that we need something to rein in the bat wings.  Left to their own devices, we may just fly off.  Got to strap ’em down with sleeves.  No More Sleeveless Tanks.  Thank you.

And what is with the over the top multi-colored moo-moo shirts with all the sequins and rhinestones?  Do they think all fat chicks need to dress like Mimi on The Drew Carey Show?

WHO is in charge of this?  I need to speak with them urgently.  You know it is some half-starved waif of a super-model-wanna-be who hates her chubby mother, cackling maliciously while she draws up these ridiculous ‘big woman’ clothes.  If I ever meet her, I’m going to go all crazy ninja on her with some Super Sized Whopper Combos.

Until then, I’ll be the one wearing the flood length pants, with the crotch down to her knees, and rainbow-colored rhinestone decorated sleeveless tank top….

….sitting in the back drowning her sorrows with a McDonald’s Sausage Burrito….

or three.

Categories: Uncategorized | 1 Comment

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One thought on “~ Steve Urkel ~

  1. Elizabeth Adamczak

    YEAH!!! And I ordered a sweatshirt from the Girl Scout store once and the “long-sleeves” came to just below my elbow AND while the girth of the shirt was about right, it was REALLY short! I’m not THAT short! (I’m 5’4″ – short but not much shorter than many women I know.) Why would they assume that anyone ordering that size would be super short with super short arms??? Lots of large sweatshirts I’ve tried on are really short. Why? I don’t get it.

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