I’m home!  I’m home WITH a brand spankin’ new knee!  I’m bionic!  I’ve got STRAIGHT legs!

I can’t walk worth a crap, but that’s beside the point.

And that will change over the next few weeks!

Much of what happened at the hospital was a blur, I confess.  There was Dilaudid and Zofran involved, both of which don’t exactly help Mama with the ol’ linear-thinking thing.

But, um, one small item, which I had indeed forgotten, was remembered when we came home yesterday.

On the first night after the surgery, My Captain was beat.  He was totally zonked.  He had been waiting all day, in a full surgical waiting room, and was just getting over being sick, himself.  So by 10pm, he was making some serious Z’s on the recliner chair beside my hospital bed.  There was snoring and drooling involved.  He was adorable.  Poor guy.

But me?  I had been unconscious for most of the day, mostly in drug-induced haze.  By 10pm, I was raring to go!  I was alert!  I was happy!  I was ready to party! I had a new knee in my leg after all (which, along with its partner, was tied down to the bed in inflating, anti-blood clot contraptions) so this was no time to be sleeping!  Especially while I was enjoying the euphoric effects of my pain killer.  Friends, Mama Boe was STONED.  Legally, but totally, stoned.

I twiddled my thumbs while I thought about what I could do with my awake time.  I watched My Captain sleep for entertainment, but that got old after a minute or so.   I couldn’t turn the TV on, for fear of waking the tired man.  I looked over and found my Kindle, all charged, and ready to go!  YEY!

I played a few games, and then in my drunken stupor realized I had access to the hospital’s WiFi.  That meant the internet!  Before you can say “Paypal,” I was shopping online, baby!

I don’t remember much after that.

The next day, sometime in the afternoon during group Physical Therapy, I suddenly remembered doing something like that.  I said to the woman next to me, “Hey, I think ….I’m not sure….but I think I was shopping on the internet last night….”  She started laughing and cried, “Girlfriend!  Your husband let you shop while on Dilaudid?!”

Which stopped me in my tracks.  First of all, I wasn’t SURE I had shopped.  I sure as heck didn’t know what I’d bought.  And I sure as hell had not informed My Captain.  He had enough on his worry plate!

I was anxious about this for the next thirty minutes, until the next dose of Dilaudid was injected, and then I stopped caring, frankly.  And that was the last I thought about it.

Until yesterday.

When we pulled up to the door of The Little Cottage.

There, by the door, were several large UPS/Amazon type boxes, stacked like Christmas presents.

I looked at My Captain and immediately confessed,  “Um, love? I think Drunk Me might have bought Sober Me a couple of gifts Monday night.”

Other than a smirk, his face showed no emotion.  He was not surprised.  Not one bit!  He didn’t scold me.  Instead he showed patience, and was happy to see what I’d purchased, before I, er returned them all!

UNTIL I rocked the new Dansko Clogs that Drunk Me had had the fantastic sense of style to purchase.  Those I refused to part with.   Oh, and the stained glass Cabin Accent Light.

I couldn’t possibly part with that.

He shook his head, especially when I was modeling the clogs with my walker,

(Which, when you have my kind of total-knee-replacement-swagger, can be somewhat overpowering.) and simply loved me.  Both of me.

But I think he loves Sober Me better.  Sober Me is a lot less expensive.

Don’t judge.

This is my last night with two original legs.  After tomorrow morning, I’ll have one original, and one with a prosthetic knee.

It’s going to hurt.

But not as much as it would if I didn’t do this.

And I’ll have the best pain meds that CareFirst can buy.

And I’ll have My Captain with me every step (or limp, or Dick-Van-Dyke Fall) along the way.

My father lost his leg having this surgery.  It didn’t work out like he planned, when he went home with only one leg, after going in to the hospital just to upgrade his knees.  But he lived another ten years, and was his spunky, charismatic self the whole way.   I try to remember that when I get a little bit sceeeerrd about the notion of it all.

And when I get discouraged, I’ll just remember the point.  The goal….

…that I can hike this trail, and a world of others like it with my family,

the whole way.

I am totally and completely blessed, and I know it.  Thank you, God!

So if I don’t post for a week or two, it’s not because I don’t love you, and it’s not because I don’t have anything funny to talk about.  It’s because I’m entertaining nurses and physical therapists, and everyone else who is unlucky enough to be within earshot.  If you think I’m quirky now, you ought to see me on Dilaudid!

Pray for the hospital staff….I’ll see you on the other side of this!

Mama

We took Varmint and Critter to see My Captain’s best friend, Ty’s, son, Trevor, play basketball tonight.

Did you follow that?  Clear as mud?

Trevor is a long, tall drink of water, and I don’t know when the hell that happened, because it was yesterday that he was only as tall as me.  And he went and left boyhood on me… coasted straight into young manhood.  I hate it when that happens, because it leaves me feeling old and sappy.   It was very selfish of him to do that, frankly.  What is it with kids these days?

I tried to get a good picture of him….

but he kept on moving.  During the whole stinkin’ game.

What is it with basketball that they feel the need to be so frenzied?  Can’t be good for a body, is what I say.

I gave up on getting a decent picture of Trevor and focused on getting decent pictures of My Captain and his best friend, Ty.   Both of these men are handsome fire Captains, both are tall, both are intelligent, both have muscular guns which are easy on the eyes,

and both refused to pose.  Wouldn’t even look at me.  What is it with men these days?  God bless Critter for participating.  Thank you, love.  Though I am bracing myself for when you grow into young manhood and you, too, will evade my camera lens.

Until then, though, it’s you and me babe!  But easy on the crazy eyes, okay?  You’re freaking me out!

What is WITH people these days???

My Captain made dinner tonight, and did the dishes afterwards.

We say that every time we go out for dinner.  It’s cute as hell, and makes most of our friends want to vomit.

How’s your nausea level holding up?  Wait, there’s more.

We went to Dogfish Head Restaurant in Gaithersburg.  It rocks for My Captain, because it has most excellent off-centered hoity-toity brews, and it rocks for me because it has Cajun egg rolls, which are my life.  Didn’t know that about me, did you?  Most of you thought my family was my life.  Turns out all my life is about is deep-fried Andouille sausage egg rolls.  It explains a lot, when you think about it.

Anyways…..tonight was not a calm meal.  In fact, it was fraught with anxiety.  By the time we left, I was a puddle of sweat.  Or should that read I wore a puddle of sweat? I was puddled in sweat?  I was IN a puddle of sweat?  Look, there was sweat, me, and a puddle involved.  You figure the rest out.

We started the meal as we always do at Dogfish.  I ordered my spicy Cajun Andouille eggroll appetizer,

which falls only slightly below my favorite Fried Green Tomatoes at Alexander’s Restaurant in Buckeyestown.  My Captain got his usual cup ‘o crab soup.

He ordered some fancy schmancy beer,

and I ordered my usual White Chocolate Martini.

But hold the phone, there Vern.  Our usual bartender, Julie, was not there to whip up her genius White Chocolate concoction.  Tonight we had Keisha.  And, apparently Keisha is either a comedian, or a frustrated artist.  When my drink came, it had, shall we say, personality.

It smiled at me.  So I smiled back.

But it wouldn’t stop staring at me.  I became concerned.

I tried to drink it, looking it in the eye, but it just didn’t feel right.  Whenever I sipped, his head became horrifically misshapen.  I became alarmed.

So I looked away.  That worked just fine.  It worked so fine, I ordered another, and asked Keisha to make it resemble SNL’s old character, “Mr. Bill.”

She tried.  Lord knows she tried.  But whenever I looked at it, all I could think about was some kind of blow-up doll.

And in all honesty, I have no idea how I know that little nugget of information.  Seriously.

No, really, seriously.

Really.

Let’s move on.

Neither one of us were very hungry, so we agreed to split the Hummus Plate, and call it a meal.  When it came, the platter was beautiful, as always, but something was different.

Wait a doggone minute.  Either the restaurant staff is messing with me, or I’m in need of a Psychiatrist specializing in Paranoia Neuroses.

Is this thing looking at me?  And if it is, am I mistaken in that it’s mocking me?  I think it’s mocking me.  I have reason to believe it’s mocking me.

Shhhh, Mama.  It’s going to be alright.  Just tell the voices in your head to pipe down and drink your drink like a good girl.

Okey Dokey!

I’ve been told I have to share this with you guys.  Originally I had just put the short video up on Facebook,  but now I’m sharing it with all the blog readers.

Get this:  to figure out how to put a video on the blog, I had to upload it onto You Tube.  In a bizarre and completely irrational, inconsistent twist of illogic, I feel naked on You Tube.  Mamaboe.com is read worldwide, but one silly video on You Tube, and my brain says, “Whoa! You’re totally exposed!”

Can there be such thing as a ‘Closet Exhibitionist?’

Don’t ask me how my brain works this way.  Some things aren’t meant to be understood by the likes of us.

So without further ado, my friends, may I present to you a ridiculous video:

Click here to see Sir Monty of Stinky Butt, and His Unusual Fetish.

Love,

Mama