Now that Varmint has come of babysitting age, My Captain is reviewing CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver with her.
He does this not so much because he wants her to have all possible caretaking tools in her arsenal, but mostly because if something awful SHOULD go down while she’s on the job, she won’t just sit there like a bump on a log …..and make him look bad.
‘Cause come on, let’s be honest here, when someone hires the munchkin of a nationally recognized rescuer as a babysitter, they’re expecting someone who knows what to do in a crisis! So this isn’t about altruism so much as ego, frankly.
Last night My Captain was lecturing Varmint on The Heimlich, and he needed a Dummy. I offered, but was told I’m ineligible because 1) She needs to practice on children, since that is what she will be watching over. 2) Thanks to my inability to withstand the luscious siren call of McDonald’s Sausage Burritos, we’re not entirely sure where the hell my waist is. That’s important when you are trying to push in the right place. And 3) my family has learned the hard way that pushing on Mama’s belly can have dire consequences for the entire room.
God help me if I ever choke. God help us all. Amen.
Where was I?
Right, CPR, The Heimlich, and babysitting lectures.
So Critter was drafted to be the Dummy.
And My Captain showed Varmint exactly what to do on a child should they be choking.
He was, as usual, detailed, exact, and painstakingly thorough. And Critter suffered. Greatly.
My Captain enjoyed himself a little too much, and squeezed the begeebies out of poor Critter.
The upshot of it is that Varmint has the tools she needs to be an awesome babysitter….. but if Critter should ever choke around My Captain…..um…lets just say that, henceforth, Critter will be chewing his food extremely well.