Monthly Archives: January 2014

~ Eyes On The Goal ~

This is my last night with two original legs.  After tomorrow morning, I’ll have one original, and one with a prosthetic knee.

It’s going to hurt.

But not as much as it would if I didn’t do this.

And I’ll have the best pain meds that CareFirst can buy.

And I’ll have My Captain with me every step (or limp, or Dick-Van-Dyke Fall) along the way.

My father lost his leg having this surgery.  It didn’t work out like he planned, when he went home with only one leg, after going in to the hospital just to upgrade his knees.  But he lived another ten years, and was his spunky, charismatic self the whole way.   I try to remember that when I get a little bit sceeeerrd about the notion of it all.

And when I get discouraged, I’ll just remember the point.  The goal….

…that I can hike this trail, and a world of others like it with my family,


the whole way.

I am totally and completely blessed, and I know it.  Thank you, God!

So if I don’t post for a week or two, it’s not because I don’t love you, and it’s not because I don’t have anything funny to talk about.  It’s because I’m entertaining nurses and physical therapists, and everyone else who is unlucky enough to be within earshot.  If you think I’m quirky now, you ought to see me on Dilaudid!

Pray for the hospital staff….I’ll see you on the other side of this!


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~ What is WITH People These Days? ~

We took Varmint and Critter to see My Captain’s best friend, Ty’s, son, Trevor, play basketball tonight.

Did you follow that?  Clear as mud?

Trevor is a long, tall drink of water, and I don’t know when the hell that happened, because it was yesterday that he was only as tall as me.  And he went and left boyhood on me… coasted straight into young manhood.  I hate it when that happens, because it leaves me feeling old and sappy.   It was very selfish of him to do that, frankly.  What is it with kids these days?

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I tried to get a good picture of him….

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but he kept on moving.  During the whole stinkin’ game.

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What is it with basketball that they feel the need to be so frenzied?  Can’t be good for a body, is what I say.

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I gave up on getting a decent picture of Trevor and focused on getting decent pictures of My Captain and his best friend, Ty.   Both of these men are handsome fire Captains, both are tall, both are intelligent, both have muscular guns which are easy on the eyes,

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and both refused to pose.  Wouldn’t even look at me.  What is it with men these days?  God bless Critter for participating.  Thank you, love.  Though I am bracing myself for when you grow into young manhood and you, too, will evade my camera lens.

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Until then, though, it’s you and me babe!  But easy on the crazy eyes, okay?  You’re freaking me out!

What is WITH people these days???

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~ Are You Looking at ME? ~

My Captain made dinner tonight, and did the dishes afterwards.

We say that every time we go out for dinner.  It’s cute as hell, and makes most of our friends want to vomit.

How’s your nausea level holding up?  Wait, there’s more.

We went to Dogfish Head Restaurant in Gaithersburg.  It rocks for My Captain, because it has most excellent off-centered hoity-toity brews, and it rocks for me because it has Cajun egg rolls, which are my life.  Didn’t know that about me, did you?  Most of you thought my family was my life.  Turns out all my life is about is deep-fried Andouille sausage egg rolls.  It explains a lot, when you think about it.

Anyways…..tonight was not a calm meal.  In fact, it was fraught with anxiety.  By the time we left, I was a puddle of sweat.  Or should that read I wore a puddle of sweat? I was puddled in sweat?  I was IN a puddle of sweat?  Look, there was sweat, me, and a puddle involved.  You figure the rest out.

We started the meal as we always do at Dogfish.  I ordered my spicy Cajun Andouille eggroll appetizer,

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which falls only slightly below my favorite Fried Green Tomatoes at Alexander’s Restaurant in Buckeyestown.  My Captain got his usual cup ‘o crab soup.

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He ordered some fancy schmancy beer,

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and I ordered my usual White Chocolate Martini.

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But hold the phone, there Vern.  Our usual bartender, Julie, was not there to whip up her genius White Chocolate concoction.  Tonight we had Keisha.  And, apparently Keisha is either a comedian, or a frustrated artist.  When my drink came, it had, shall we say, personality.

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It smiled at me.  So I smiled back.

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But it wouldn’t stop staring at me.  I became concerned.

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I tried to drink it, looking it in the eye, but it just didn’t feel right.  Whenever I sipped, his head became horrifically misshapen.  I became alarmed.

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So I looked away.  That worked just fine.  It worked so fine, I ordered another, and asked Keisha to make it resemble SNL’s old character, “Mr. Bill.”

mr. bill

She tried.  Lord knows she tried.  But whenever I looked at it, all I could think about was some kind of blow-up doll.

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And in all honesty, I have no idea how I know that little nugget of information.  Seriously.

No, really, seriously.


Let’s move on.

Neither one of us were very hungry, so we agreed to split the Hummus Plate, and call it a meal.  When it came, the platter was beautiful, as always, but something was different.

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Wait a doggone minute.  Either the restaurant staff is messing with me, or I’m in need of a Psychiatrist specializing in Paranoia Neuroses.

2014-01-09 21.10.52Is this thing looking at me?  And if it is, am I mistaken in that it’s mocking me?  I think it’s mocking me.  I have reason to believe it’s mocking me.

Shhhh, Mama.  It’s going to be alright.  Just tell the voices in your head to pipe down and drink your drink like a good girl.

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Okey Dokey!

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~ Monty’s Fetish ~

I’ve been told I have to share this with you guys.  Originally I had just put the short video up on Facebook,  but now I’m sharing it with all the blog readers.

Get this:  to figure out how to put a video on the blog, I had to upload it onto You Tube.  In a bizarre and completely irrational, inconsistent twist of illogic, I feel naked on You Tube. is read worldwide, but one silly video on You Tube, and my brain says, “Whoa! You’re totally exposed!”

Can there be such thing as a ‘Closet Exhibitionist?’

Don’t ask me how my brain works this way.  Some things aren’t meant to be understood by the likes of us.

So without further ado, my friends, may I present to you a ridiculous video:

Click here to see Sir Monty of Stinky Butt, and His Unusual Fetish.



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~ Butthead ~

I found Sir Monty, who usually resides on Critter’s bed, had moved over to Varmint’s bed for a nap the other day.  Moose was there too, and they were sleeping together.  I wouldn’t say they were “cuddling,” per se.

In fact, I’m not sure what I’d call it.

It couldn’t have been by chance that they ended up that way, but it does beg the question: “Who was there first?” and “Which kitty decided that, er, position?”

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The way I see it, if Moose was there first, do I even want to know why Monty chose Moose’s buttocks as a pillow?  But if Monty was there first, was Moose making some kind of statement?  Do we have some kind of kitty discord in the house that needs addressing?  Is there some kind of feline dysfunction underlying the fact that Moose’s anus is Monty’s headrest?

From the outside, they both seem content with the situation, and I guess I shouldn’t judge.  But two things keep running through my mind:

1) I won’t be petting Monty’s head/neck/shoulder region for a while and….

2) Who else, or what else, is Moose rubbing his butt on?

If you need me, I’ll be sniff testing all the pillows in the house.

Pray for me.


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