As I sat in class all day today, I was uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons:
I was hot. (Blame the pre-menopausal hormones.)
I was the least experienced and knowledgable medic in the room. (Though, inexplicably, that fact didn’t keep me quiet.)
My knee is still painfully bothering me, despite my cortisone shots. (I fear I am looking at arthroscopic surgery in my very near future.)
I’m so fat my hips were pressing against the sides of the cheap classroom chairs. (Does this chair make my butt look big?)
And something kept pricking me just under my right boob.
I couldn’t figure out what the heck it was. It was like a needle scraping along my tender under-boobie flesh (that’s a medical term, by the way, much like Pubic Synthysis).
I kept trying to nonchalantly move my bra around in case it was a cat hair or something that was poking through the material. But nothing I did fixed it.
Then I had a horrible idea…what if it was a bug caught in my bra? What if it wasn’t a pricking sensation, but a biting sensation??
I couldn’t wait for the next break so I could disrobe and see what the problem was. I couldn’t concentrate on the lecture because all I could envision was a brown recluse spider injecting its venom into my under-boob. I began imagining the class discussing the protocols for Morphine as I slowly necrotized waiting for the next coffee break. Then that fear morphed into me envisioning my boob falling off.
I have a healthy imagination.
Finally they called a break. I limped (see knee pain above) over to the bathroom, violently ripped off my blouse and began rummaging around in my bra, bracing myself for the horrible venomous insect I was sure to find.
My fingers found it. I pulled out…..
…a crumb from the McDonald’s Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit I’d had for breakfast.
My relief was palpable.
Now, you’d think I’d be so mortified that I eat with such wanton abandon that food ends up in unlikely crevices on my person. You’d think that I would hesitate to post it on Mamaboe for anyone to see.
The way I see it is this: That was a damn good breakfast.
I’ll be wearing turtlenecks to class from now on.