~ Theories of the Crack ~

This is our Moose’s Butt.

You’ll note he has a large crack.

I mean, you can see his crack goes from his bum, all the way to the top of his head.

You can see he hides it from the people on the road, but he’s mooning me and my family constantly.

Even from a distance.

The rest of him sure is cute, but let’s face it, the cute parts are facing other people.  The neighbors to the side get his cute little belly and silly posture:

Sadly, this is the part that reminds me of myself.

Except he is missing the varicose veins.

And the neighbors to the front get to look at this part of the cutie all the time:

Would you just look at that sweetie pie?  Look at his sweet smile!

and his totally loveable eyes!

But this,  this is what we get to look at all the time:

“Why?”, you ask?  “Why does he have such an enormous crack?”

(I often ask myself the same thing about my own…..But I digress.)

He has a large crack for the single purpose of swelling.

Weather changes, freezing, heat, humidity, etc make wood swell and retract and that can be damaging to wood.  Especially wood sculptures that your Beloved paid an arm and a leg for, to give you as an engagement present.  So it needs somewhere to go when it swells and retracts. It needs relief.

So the artist took a chain saw and put a crack up his, er, crack.

It’s a relief crack.

But now it makes me wonder if that is why we humans have cracks, too.  We have cracks in our hineys for…uh….relief.


Stick with me, guys, I’ll solve all the riddles of the universe given enough time.

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