~ The Moose: An Explanation ~

So, I’ve been asked to explain the moose.

WHY do I have a 9 foot moose in my front yard?

It’s simple really.

I don’t like to wear klunky jewelry.

Clears it right up, don’t it? … I didn’t want an engagement ring.  So, Troy bought me an engagement Moose.  I like mooses. They are Big, bulky, klutzy, goofy, and have comically shaped behinds.  They are also fiercely protective of their loved ones.  When angered or scared: LOOK THE HELL OUT!  When they are looking for a mate: LOOK THE HELL OUT! And they can accessorize like nobody’s business.  Have you ever really noticed those antlers?  Good lord!  It’s like a throwback to ’80’s hair.

Everyone snickers and laughs at a moose’s ridiculous form…. up and until they are actually within a stone’s throw of a moose and then they are in utter respect and awe of the big bodaciousness of that moose. Few people mess with a Moose and live to tell about it.  And yet, left to themselves, they really are gentle giants.

So you see, I totally get a moose.  I GET them.  I relate.  If I were an animal, I would SO be a moose.  And not just any moose.  I’d be a momma moose.  Cause they are as bad-ass as honeybadgers, only hundreds and hundreds of “mo” pounds bigger.

And as to the moose in my front yard….it was given to me with love by my Husband.  (All women reading this please sigh a collective “AWww!” here.) Plus, it made it safer for him if we got in a tiff…its not like I could whip off my engagement ring and throw it at him if he pissed me off royally.  What could I do?  That moose is secured in over a THOUSAND pounds of concrete, in addition to being several hundred pounds of hardwood himself.  So if I got pissed to the point that I wanted to throw something at him, it couldn’t be the moose!  I had to find other ways to show my discontent if he did something stupid and manly like fail to tell me how wonderful and perfect for him I was (am) every 10 minutes.  Which meant I had to perfect my Stink Eye.  Oh, and it’s a doozy.  My stink eye could flatten a Navy Seal.  It’s kind of a cross between the face you make when you are trying to vacuate your bowels after a night of binge eating cheese fondue (and DON’T try and deny you’ve been there…who hasn’t?) and the face you make when you suck on a lemon.

So, that, you see, is the simple and logical reason for my pre-occupation with Mooses, and the fact that I have a 9 foot moose in my front yard.  Elementary, really.  So simple you all are probably insulted that I felt the need to explain it. But, some of you DID ask.

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