Monthly Archives: August 2014

We had driven from Glacier National Park, Montana, to Great Falls, Montana and had some time to kill before we caught our plane, so we visited a cold spring along the Missouri river, once visited by Meriwether Lewis, of  Lewis and Clark.

Look, I know what you’re thinking.  Whoop Dee Doo, Mama!  A cold spring!  Crazy Fun Times for ALL!!!

I know, I know but I was pressed for time to find something, and other than the fish hatchery adjacent to the spring, I had nothin’.  Zip.  Bupkiss.  Nada.  It was either the Cold Spring, or pull out the Kindles…which I will neither confirm or deny ended up happening anyways.

Turns out, the water was pretty awesome.  Crystal clear (until it fell into the muddy Missouri), and crazy ice-cream-headache cold. 

And since it turned out to be a kind of cool spot that Mama picked out to while way time after all (Score ONE for the old lady, please) we asked the kids to stand for a picture.  It was an innocuous enough request, but of course, my children can be butt-heads and refused to smile.

So Mama did what Mama does best, and began to make an ass of herself behind the camera man, my Beloved Captain.  He, however, was not aware of this fact. 

He just assumed the kids were beginning to cooperate, though they were not looking at the camera as they smiled so obligingly.  He had no idea I was making googly eyes at him. Nor did he know I was mimicking him as he admonished the brats to look up.

Nor did he realize I was making motions of crazy jazz hands next to his ever so beautiful behind.

And he sure as heck had no idea that I was pretending to pull boogers out of his ears and flick them at the kids.

Which, frankly, kind of disturbed Critter.

Oh I was smooth alright.  I could have kept this up all day.  Except I forgot that My Captain didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, and had reversed the camera on his phone without me knowing it.

I’m just lucky he didn’t do that while I was flicking pretend ear boogers.

Obviously, I need to work on my undercover-ear-booger-flicking technique.

But doesn’t everyone?

We had a long trip ahead of us.  I find this to be a good opportunity to observe my loved ones…because they are forced to be still.

How sweet they are when they are quiet together.

But they are tired.  It didn’t take long for Varmint to fade out.

And My Captain was just as tired, I had no doubt.

He struggled.

But the force of Varmint’s rhythmic sleepy breathing was too great for him.

Ah, dear ones.  How I love you so.

Meanwhile, back on our side of the aisle…..

C’mon, Critter, let’s see how many selfies we can do for the next 5 hours while we eat sugar and do espresso shots!

Every couple of years, we take the kids out to our property in the mountains of Northwest, Montana to give them a change of venue from rural Maryland, to keep an eye on our future retirement, and because camping in the mountains with a teen and pre-teen is just plain ding-dang fun! 

And every couple of years is an entirely different experience along the route, too.

This year was prank year, apparently.

We had to get up at the very butt-crack of dawn to get to Dulles Airport, because My Captain is a Sadist, and obviously hates us.  The kids were tired, My Captain was tired, and Mama was her normal grumpy, exhaustipated self.  By the time we finished the first leg of the journey west, and were grabbing a quick breakfast during our layover in the Minneapolis Airport, we were all just plain punchy.

Not that that is a bad thing.

Our moods had lightened the closer and closer we got to Montana, and a two week respite from all things responsible….Critter and Varmint, happy to get as far away as possible from anything close to school, My Captain from his copious serious responsibilities at work, and me, because responsibilities make me fat.

So the farther we traveled from home, the lighter we felt, and I admit I was feeling a little bit frisky.

When we went to board the plane that would take us to Great Falls, I hung back, allowing the kids and My Captain to precede me.  I paused at the flight attendant welcoming everyone aboard, pointed to My Captain, and said,

“Hi.  You see that tall guy in the orange shirt?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Well, he’s too shy to say anything about it, but he’s a puker. He’s probably going to need extra bags.”

“Oh, we can help him with that.”

A moment later, in front of EVERYONE, she went to his seat on the plane and handed him a huge stack of barf bags with a most compassionate and understanding smile.

My Captain briefly paused, pursed his lips, and politely thanked her for the pile of bags.  Then when she turned to walk back up the cabin, he swiftly reached across the aisle, and slapped me upside the head with them.

Who knew he was such a violent little cuss?

Did I hit him back?  Did I laugh into his gorgeous steely dark eyes?  Did I use one of the barf bags myself?

Stay tuned for more “Mama Hits Montana 2014” stories!